To leave a comment, click on the header. You have to be "in" the post for the comments to appear. THANKS!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

DESTINED: the first 250


Since I had so much fun on my last blogfest -- and since I just revamped the first chapter of DESTINED -- Elle Strauss's First 250 Words Blogfest arrived at the perfect time for me.  With pounding heart and sweaty palms, I present the *new* first 239 words of DESTINED.  I'd love to know what you think (and it doesn't have to be nice.  I'll understand.)


       My forehead rested against the wooden shutters in my room as I searched for the courage to push them open. I knew what was waiting for me outside -- and gods -- I didn’t want to go through this again. But I had no choice.  
My admirers were waiting.  
         “It’s time, Sadie.” Maia gave my shoulder a squeeze with her weathered hand. “Might as well get it over with.”
She received my weakest smile in return. Only because she’d practically raised me did I refrain from ordering her out. None of our other servants would dare rush me.  
I stalled by returning to my mirror and fidgeting with the tendril of hair dangling by my cheek. Not that I could’ve improved upon the style. Maia’d put the chestnut curls up in my favorite silver headband herself, which meant they were arranged perfectly. Same for the make-up I noted, rubbing my glossed lips together; flawless as always. I nodded and smoothed out a fold in my tunic. “Fine.”
Maia backed away from the window, inching closer to the mahogany door. Preparing me to face the horde was one thing, but I didn’t allow anyone in my room when I was pandering to the crowd. Not Maia, not my parents, and certainly not my sisters.
      Flinging the shutters apart, I was blasted with sunlight and deafening cheers. I flinched before forcing myself to smile, repulsed by the sound of my own name.

17 comments:

Summer Ross said...

By the ned I was drawn in, I really like the inner dialogue going on, makes me curious why she doesn't let anyone in and why they are calling for her.

Shallee said...

I love the character here, and her reaction to her "admirers." There's a lot of emotional tension. I'd definitely keep reading.

Nathalie said...

Oh, some very intriguing things going on here! Lots of great vivid descriptions and a sense of royalty is definitely being invoked. Great job with a great beginning.

Elle Strauss said...

A character struggling with her role in society--I like it! Nice sense of setting and build up to the opening of the shutters.

Francine said...

Hi,

Is the title "Reluctant Princess" by any chance? ;)

Nice opening scene!

best
F

Michelle said...

I wonder why she's repulsed by her own name. What did Sadie do that she's ashamed of?

Wendy Tyler Ryan said...

Nice setup, I wouldn't have minded a little more personality from the MC. I don't know wheather or not to like her.

Marieke said...

Oh wow, I just love this! I definitely want to read more! :D

Jessie said...

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! You've given me more to think about as I continue to tweak the first pages.
@Francine - the title is actually DESTINED, but the Reluctant Princess is a pretty apt description. Although what she's more reluctant about is being compared to the goddess Venus, cause she figures that's pretty much a death sentence.

Jennifer Hoffine said...

Very intriguing beginning! I'd definitely want to read more.

One nit-pick: The "looking in mirror" thing for a first person description of self is considered cliche by some...could have her procrastinate by feeling for the silver thing in her hair and rub her glossy lips together.

LM Preston said...

I'm biased. I read the entire thing and am honored as a beta reader. It only gets better from here. Can't wait to see more of Destined :-D

Jessie Oliveros said...

Yes, you do have a great name don't you? And speaking of names, I like that she is repulsed by her own name. You've established her internal conflict, the relationship with her family and maid, and her role in society. Very nicely done. Hooked.

Brenda Drake said...

Loved how she is repulsed by her own name. It makes me wonder why? Great set-up and voice. I'd turn the page. Wonderful! :D

Rachael Harrie said...

Really intriguing first page. Would certainly read more. I loved the contrast between the first paragraph and the second para/one-liner. I wonder about the setting and time period though - wooden shutters read lower-class to me, so I was a little uncertain about whether she was a princess or something else (a hidden twist perhaps). Well done!

Rach

Stephanie said...

I really liked it!!! One line did stick out for me: I knew what was waiting for me outside -- and gods -- I didn’t want to go through this again.

May be stronger if it read: I knew what waited for me outside...

And should "god" be singular?? That threw me a bit.

Definitely interested in reading more!

Jessie said...

thanks everyone!
And Stephanie - "gods" is correct. Sadie is in ancient Greece. :)

Patti said...

Great opening. Agree with the god comment, but the I didn't want to go through this again was very intriguing.

Post a Comment

I love hearing your thoughts! Thanks for dropping by.