Train Thursday ~ Fifty Ways to Say Goodbye

Hello and happy Thursday.  It's almost the weekend, so that right there is a reason to celebrate.  Another reason is that I have another Train song to deconstruct for you. Up this week is "50 Ways to Say Goodbye."

There's a soundbite on Sirius/XM with good ol' Pat saying the song was originally named "50 Ways to Kill Your Lover," but then they decided it might be played on the radio and they didn't want moms to have to tell their kids that their favorite song is called "50 Ways to KILL Your Lover."  I shudder to think that anyone would say this was their favorite song, regardless of the title.  :)

Again, I am NOT knocking the music itself.  I think Train's music is catchy and upbeat and I doubt most people even listen to the lyrics over the Mariachi beat.  At least I hope not.  But some of the lyrics drive me nuts.

In this little ditty, we get to hear Pat Monahan explain that when he gets dumped, rather than admit it to his friends, he will just tell everyone that the girl died.  I suppose it seems like a *far* more logical explanation than the truth and will earn some much-needed sympathy points for his bruised ego.  So here goes: here are the 50 ways one's girlfriend might suddenly pass on into the great beyond:

My heart is paralyzed

My head was oversized

I'll take the high road like I should

You said it's meant to be

That it's not you, it's me

You're leaving now for my own good

(Up to this point, I have no beef with the lyrics.  See?  I can be nice.)

That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say (um... what happened to taking the high road?)

She went down in an airplane (legit)

Fried getting suntanned (not sure you could actually DIE from a sun burn, but maybe)

Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand (it could happen...and it rhymes!)

Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!

She met a shark under water

Fell and no one caught her (hey, it's hard to find something that rhymes with water - props here)

I returned everything I ever bought her (WAIT! did this kill her? is she an oniomanic and the return of purchased items sent her into cardiac arrest?)

Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies

And ways to say you died

My pride still feels the sting

You were my everything

Some day I'll find a love like yours (a love like yours)

She'll think I'm Superman

Not super minivan (STOP! what the frick does this even mean? this is the #1 lyric that drives me up the wall in this song)

How could you leave on Yom Kippur?

That's cool, but if my friends ask where you are I'm gonna say

She was caught in a mudslide

Eaten by a lion

Got run over by a crappy purple Scion (this one actually makes me laugh in a good way)

Help me, help me, I'm no good at goodbyes!

She dried up in the desert

Drowned in a hot tub

Danced to death at an east side night club (and... we're stretching for a rhyme again)

Help me, help me, I'm all out of lies

And ways to say you died

I wanna live a thousand lives with you

I wanna be the one you're dying to love...

But you don't want to

And then we get a recap of all the same reasons previously listed.  If you were counting (and I was), we have a total of 12 ways to die (that's assuming you count death-by-return-of-purchased-items).  Even doubled (for the repeat of the lyrics), we're only at 24.  So how exactly did Train come up with any title involving 50 anything?

To steal a line from Tootsie Pops: the world may never know.

Do you have any particular Train songs you're hoping I examine?  Please let me know!